Meat Me in Denver

“This is very important.” Those were the first thoughts that came to mind when I first heard that the Governor of Colorado Jared Polis declared March 20 to be a “MeatOut Day.” Truly important. Truly necessary.

I mean the bravery of Colorado’s governor to target an industry that serves as the livelihood of tens of thousands. Let us hope to hear of other truly brave and beautiful acts of courage on the part of other governors. Perhaps Newsom in between blackouts can call for a #SilliconOutDay (oh wait…). Or maybe Mayor Wheeler can announce (or maybe spray paint would work better) an early-to-bed early-to-rise initiative. Or perhaps Governor Abbot of Texas can put a freeze on wind turbines for a day (too soon?). Why not? Why would a political leader not want to destroy entire segments of the economy?

Why not use your position at the top to change the dietary habits of your constituents? Truly important work. It works just like Chick-fil-A; just give the animals a Sunday off from the slaughter. But SOME people are opposed to this truly important and truly necessary work. Like those yokels “trying to feed their families.” A likely story. Or those neanderthals (Preach it Uncle Joe!) who “just want to eat meat.” Another likely story. Because as we all know any resistance to such a noble and truly important work has nothing but hate in their hearts. They hate all things that walk, crawl, and slither upon the ground. Or those monsters who dare say “why?” To quote a child who thinks she knows something, “How dare you!”

To wrap up this completely justified moralizing of a very, very important issue, I would like to break my arm to pat myself vociferously on the back for not making a meat pun. I MEAn’T to add one somewhere, but you know how it goes. Everyone just needs to wake up (or not because... anemia) and realize that it’s just not natural to eat things that taste good. In fact, forgo the dead carcass is to achieve enlightenment. So, meat me on a higher plane of existence where we along with the esteemed Governor eat nothing but terrible amazing food and eclipsing all others with our protein-poor but morally-rich lifestyle.


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