My Final Evolution

I am a curmudgeonly old man in a young man’s body (am I not a man Thomas?), so as such I will often hear words and phrases that are new and scary. Or otherwise just plain stupid. In my final evolution into a BuzzFeed writer, I will now create one such list. May God have mercy on my soul.

  1. My Truth: I mean… what if it’s just not true? While the philosopher/theologian Kierkegaard might have argued that the way we view the world is in some ways subjective, methinks this is A Bridge Too Far (a great movie by the way).

  2. Black and Brown Bodies: This just sounds morbid. Hearing it out of context one might think that murder is afoot (help police murder). On the more serious end, is there not more to “Black and Brown” people than their skin color? Their sex? Their communities? Their personalities? Faith? No?

  3. Cisheteronormative: I heard this once… and a part of me just gave up. The problem with the phrase is that it tries to make the perfectly normal into the abnormal. This goes beyond making the dreaded “Straight white man” into something mundane (like the vanilla we all statistically prefer) but tries to argue that the normative values that “produce” such “straight white men” are somehow damaging.

  4. Like: An oldy but a goody. This is a filler word that should be used sparingly.

  5. Mistakes were made: I.E you made a mistake?

  6. I feel like: Again i.e you think? I feel like (see what I did there? You see it’s funny because I just decried the thing I’m doing now. Therefore, it’s funny. Get it?!) people only use this phrase to hedge their bets. Or rather they don’t have enough confidence in what they are going to say intellectually therefore they are appealing to feelings which are nigh impossible to refute or dismiss out of hand.

  7. You know: No I don’t know! That’s why, presumably, you are telling me! And if I already know then why are you telling me?!

  8. Organic Peanut Butter: This is a contradiction in terms. I don’t know what I just (tried) to eat but that was not peanut butter. Therefore, that could not have possibly been peanut butter. (#logicalsyllogisms #thisiswhyifailedphilosophy)

  9. We are excited to announce: Stop using this. I highly doubt you are bouncing like overeager toddlers (or Thomas) in anticipation to send out whatever ultimately mundane announcement. Your excitement does not translate to mine.

  10. Yeet: What? This is like a children’s book arguing that a dog says “bow-wow” (thank you Brian Regan). What object being thrown makes a “yeet” sound?!

  11. You just hate…: Wow not only are you an amazing debater, orator, and rhetorician, but you’re a mind reader as well! This kind of phrase always violates the (almost) fallacy of “never attribute malice where stupidity can suffice.” Or maybe people have a reason they believe something that is neither stupid nor evil?

  12. Yaaas, Queen!: No. Just no.

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